It is Happening

February 19, 2018: Getting to know a guy.

This time, I am serious. Or am I just giving up? He is absolutely the opposite of what I am searching for. He is basically a small dude, having just one sibling and the same age as me. But we are moving very slow. I take him as a best friend for now.

Boring part ends here.

Life as an adult. I reward my postcall day with food. I enjoy korean food these days. Not due to craze of K-pop, bear that in mind, just because I want to eat Korean food. I fell in love with bibimpap. Most of the time, I eat alone. Other times, I enjoy eating out with colleagues every now and then.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

December 15, 2018: Married to that guy.

Few days before the wedding, I told him, "You are marrying a sad, sad girl."

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

March 15, 2019: Missing that guy.

My career will send me from Ipoh to Batu Pahat. In this profession, the only thing that I did not prepare for is long distance relationship. Love is painful but I consented to this pain. Welcome back, Maya Dealove.

Inquiry

Disebabkan aku sejak akhir - akhir ini berfikir jauh sangat, aku alih perhatian pada salah satu hobi. Punyalah banyak buku belum habis baca, tiada sebab aku perlu buang masa dengan kerisauan. Benda paling teruk boleh berlaku tetapi yang lebih teruk daripada itu ialah rasa gementar sepanjang masa. Bukankah aku mahu gembira?

Di Pesta Buku Selangor tempoh hari, sudah janji tidak mahu beli apa - apa. Akhirnya beli juga. Mujur aku memang pegang konsep 'jangan lebih daripada tiga item' padahal ada gerai penerbit lain yang aku teringin masuk.

Aku pernah bercadang mahu baca buku tentang angkasa lepas. Dalam rak buku yang daif memang belum ada. Sedihlah rak buku cuma punya satu warna, bukan?

"Sebenarnya buku ni tentang apa?" tanya jurujual.

Aku terkedu sekejap. Patut aku yang tanya soalan.

"Macam yang ditulis situ (tunjuk ke kulit buku). Nak baca sebab curious," jawab aku, sedikit gugup, dek tidak menyangka ajuan soalan.

Aku sempat baca beberapa muka surat buku tersebut dan aku rasa sesuai dengan tahap kefahaman aku. Masalahnya di rumah, sampai ke bahagian atau perkataan tertentu yang aku kurang faham, aku jadi was - was. 

Tambah dengan, "Apa maksud jurujual tu? Adakah dia memandang aku sebagai seorang yang pelik?"

Paling penting, "Adakah aku terbeli sebuah buku teks?"

Padan muka. Siapa suruh main beli sahaja sedangkan kau boleh cari di internet senarai buku genre sama tetapi sesuai dengan tahap latar belakang pembaca?

Bahasa buku ini mudah tetapi padat. Tidak sarat dengan formula. Maka, aku kira petanda baik. Kalau fikir balik,  buku teks bukan, buku santai pun bukan. Rasanya mungkin untuk beberapa istilah astrofizik, aku perlu sesekali buka kamus. Gelabah cepat sangat.





p/s: Bolehlah kita berselang seli secara sihat.  

Unicorn

Akhirnya ada orang tampilkan kata - kata paling tepat. Tidak seperti ayat klise sekadar lepas tangan.

"You overthink."
"Kau betul - betul yakin (tentang andaian tersebut)?"

Terima kasih sekali lagi.

Benda kecil tetapi rasa seperti orang yang gagal. Kau bukan mahukannya sangat. Walaubagaimanapun, dengar sahaja istilah 'tangga kedudukan', kau cemas. Selama ini kau memang kerja supaya diri kau kekal atas salah satu anak tangga. Hidup kau sama ada 'ya' atau 'tidak'.

Persamaan belum lengkap tetapi tidak sabar menduga jawapan. Meskipun jawapan itu sudah tetap, kau menyampah dengan sebarang proses geseran. 

Dalam proses itu juga, ada hati - hati yang kau sakiti. Ada kawan kau, dia nampak pelangi dan unikorn. Kau nampak, "Benda macam ini tidak akan penting untuk 10 tahun akan datang. Kata - kata boleh dikhianati. Mengapa harus sengaja awal - awal abadikan pengkhianatan itu?"

Jauh di sudut hati kau, kau tahu hari begini akan tiba. Apa yang kau buat 10 tahun dahulu semuanya hanya melambatkan. Konflik dalaman mesti wujud agar ada muka surat seterusnya.

Beberapa detik ke belakang,

"Alah... Kita kena taaruf lagi ni," kata kakak baik hati.
"Just don't," dalam hati aku.

Titik. Ini agak membosankan dan berlebihan. Masih belum punya idea tulisan berbaur positif. 

Selamat malam.

Interview

Cerita pasal temu duga itu hari, soalan medik tak susah mana. Semua asas. Soalan dari pihak SPA aku jawab seikhlas hati. Soalan berbentuk tipikal temu duga. Tiada skrip. Dalam perjalanan ke pejabat SPA di Kuala Lumpur, Mak pesan, "Yang penting kau buka mulut."

Tapi aku sedikit cuak bila banding dengan kawan lain, kenapa aku dapat soalan tak banyak? Adakah bila aku tersekat - sekat bahagian 'steps of taking blood sample', wakil KKM tu dah putus asa nak tanya apa? 

Adakah penemu duga ada impresi, "Budak ni macam hampeh je."?

Padahal bukan tak tahu. Tiba - tiba terlupa. Aku tak ulangkaji balik benda tu sebab rasa macam dah familiar. Terlebih yakin di situ. Yang entah apa - apa sekali, bukan main rajin aku baca pasal 'central line insertion'. Padahal tak pernah tengok pun prosedur tu di hospital. Terima kasih Youtube! 

Aku cuma boleh bangga yang seratus peratus soalan medik tu aku jawab berdasarkan ilmu zaman belajar dulu. Memang aku yakin apa yang aku sebut tu termaktub dalam buku. Tak ada percanggahan., fakta. Bukan goreng, okey?

Lepas tu masuk bab, "What types of needles you use?", aku dah teragak - agak. Rupa needles tu semua aku biasa tapi namanya aku tak pasti. Bodoh sangat. 

"You have to revise," kata Dr. S.

Tadaa. Nama - nama ni yang aku lupa:

- straight needle
- butterfly needle

Serius, aku secara peribadi pun tak boleh terima kenapa aku tak ingat nama - nama ni. 

Tamat giliran aku, penemu duga dari SPA keluar kejap. Lagilah aku membuat spekulasi, "Teruk sangat budak ni. Aku stres." dalam fikiran beliau.

Apa-apa pun aku bersyukur temu duga dah selesai. Tinggal tunggu keputusan.

xxxxxxxxxx

Ulang tayang temu duga Mak dulu,

"Kenapa nak jadi cikgu?"

"Sebab jadi cikgu senang, banyak cuti." jawab Mak, yang baru lepas keluar maktab ketika itu.
"Yelah, nanti waktu cuti boleh menjahit..." sambung penemu duga.

I Want to Shelter You

Kerawakan ku dedikasi buat yang melawan sakit.

xxxxxxxxxx

Semalam Aya melawan setan dalam dirinya lagi. Sudah seperti ketagihan, Aya berkira – kira kalau tiba masanya dia berjumpa seorang pendengar. Cuma Aya boleh puji dirinya atas jumlah serangan ketagihan yang berkurangan dalam kadar mendadak.

Kepenatan dan stres selalu jadi pemberat yang menekannya, membuatkan Aya percaya bahawa lubang hitamlah tempat sembunyi. Lubang hitam telah bersatu dengan segala yang paling dalam sampaikan susah hendak ditimbus. Aya berharap lubang hitam belum tumbuh akar. 

Akar puaka ini, kalau cuba dikikis walau sedikit, boleh menyebabkan seluruh diri Aya hilang. Aya masih ingat azab hampir kehilangan dirinya. Akan tetapi, hikmahnya, Aya mendapat ilham menyoal, 

"Bagaimana, apa dan siapa menjadikan aku?"

Buat sementara waktu, tidak dapat buang, cukuplah ubahsuai. Langkah pertama ialah memasangkan lubang hitam dengan seberapa banyak warna kesedihan supaya Aya mengelakkan lubang hitam sebagaimana kesedihan selalu dielakkan. Bertambah dalam warna kesedihan, bertambahlah berkesan.

Aya sungguh terharu dengan bayu siang tadi. Baginya, dia tidak layak untuk memperoleh nikmat sebegitu. Tidak terkira banyaknya waktu dia berasa ingin putus asa. Semalam sebelum dia kalah dengan setan itu, dia terbayang wajah – wajah insan mulia di sekelilingnya tiap hari dia bekerja.

“Kenapa tambah kesakitan rasa bersalah aku selepas ini?”

Manisnya ketika duduk dalam lubang meragut segala kemanisan usai keluar dari lubang. Apatah lagi sebelum Aya kalah semalam, wajah – wajah mulia yang muncul, seolah – olah warna kesedihan kekeringan, seterusnya memanggil warna kasih demi menyelamatkan Aya. Nah, rasa pahit yang sedap. Terima kasih kepada Yang Memberi.

p/s: Pakai topeng seperti biasa.

Alive

"Saya nak Nasi Ayam."

"Err, Ayamnya masak bila, ya?" I was impressed that my awkward and shy younger brother boldly asked that just to be safe.

Amoi: OCD in the making?
M: More to PTSD (metaphorically speaking).

The waiter was speechless and I was like, "The waiter won't answer that," I smiled and my jaw dropped at the same time.

Okay, the Chicken Rice arrived at our table.

"Apa kata Mak makan dulu. Mak mesti lapar," since Mak's Roti Canai had not arrive yet. Yeah, right. It was his way of early inspection. Long ago, Adik had a bad Chicken Rice experience.

So I started to make a joke about Adik's maggot story. I hoped two guys next to our table did not hear us talking about fly eggs.

No maggots. All clear and of course, he did another careful examination before he took the first bite.

Unconfessed

Aku pun dah lupa berapa lama sejak keputusan peperiksaan keluar. Sekarang aku sangat tenang dan amat menghargainya. Cuma berdebar sedikit, memikirkan kerjaya dan menunggu kargo. 

Malam nak terbang ke Malaysia memang tak dapat nak touching touching tinggalkan Mesir. Sangat serabut. Ada beberapa kesulitan yang membuatkan aku tak dapat nak siapkan packing awal - awal. 

Makanya, masuk Isyak 29 Februari baru siap semua. 9 malam dah kena gerak ke lapangan terbang. Itupun lepas tu, ada benda bodoh yang tak sepatutnya berlaku telah berlaku. Macam biasa, aku berdoa supaya menjadi lebih bijak dan rajin pada masa akan datang.

Hari ini baru berjinak - jinak baca jadual imunisasi serta mengimbau kembali sisa - sisa ilmu Pediatrik dan Mikrobiologi yang terselamat dari banjir lagha dan MSG. 



p/s: We can still be like Leonardo and Kate.

Arm

I think it is getting interesting when two of the OSCE examiners mentioned about how different I looked in my student ID. Oh well, we use the exact same picture when we were all 18 years old. Now that I am 25, is not that logic? 

What made it more obvious was because my cheeks are way less chubby. Now I knew why H had this shocking expression when she saw me during our gathering at my house a couple of years ago. That was the result of living tough life in Cairo, baby!

I should probably take albendazole, followed by Appeton Weight Gain and eating proper food. Haha. Then of course, more exercise to increase my stamina. 

Apart from climbing up and down 9 flights of stairs every day, the last time I actually did exercise was during a trip to Bahriya, if arm wrestling does even counts. 

Andrology was good. Dermatology? I felt sorry for the sweet professor who had to listen to my silly answers. All went smooth at first. After that, when it comes to lichen planus and psoriasis, I got confused. 

I read Dermatology just the night before, man. The morning of exam, I only reached the scabies pages. How bad was that? Thankfully I got the vitiligo question too. Thanks to the late Micheal Jackson.

Aku nak lulus, wei!



p/s: There is nothing like watching L sleep. Any grammatical errors?

Rolling Stone

“You look calm. Maybe Ophthalmology suits you after all. You love research too, am I right?”

Honestly, I do pray for calmness in this exam. I am just an average student. Worst thing can happen in Final Exam but I just need to be calm and keep going. Everybody knows how ugly it gets when I have my panic attack.

Being calm all day does not mean I do not cry at night. I even cried the night before my birthday. Or could it be the circadian rhythm? Anyways, one video literally saved my head.

Secondly, I decided not to aim any speciality now despite I do have interests in several areas. Not the perfect timing yet. It takes more than a fresh medical graduate.  

I miss Adik. This February will be his second visit to Cairo. First one was when he and my parents performed umrah. He was 17 that time. This January 7, he will turn 21.

In the meantime, 

 “I feel like throttling someone,” she said, either to express tension of studying or anger towards a person.

“You can throttle me,” I offered. I cannot remember if she actually throttled me or not. I think she did, gently.

“Which way would you like? Eh, differences between chocking, strangling, throttling… blah blah blah,” we recalled bits of Forensic Medicine before I returned to my room. I remember the days when I was fascinated by how we can estimate distance range of shooting just by examining the gunshot wound. 

Raspberry Flavoured

I am happy that H still calls me BFF. I hope she had a smooth flight back to Dublin. I slept from 2 to 3.30 pm today. So now, at 3.04 am, I still cannot get myself to sleep.

A month at home meant a tremendous therapy for me. 

Basically, I talked to Adik about almost everything. From discussing the ‘Interstellar’ movie to whether Adik might or might not keep a pet in his own house one day, we are best friends at home.

He struck me when he asked, “Kak, kau balik bila?”

His next semester starts on September, in the same week I return to Cairo, probably a day late or early from September 5.

Tonight he asked, “Kak, perlu ke join usrah kat U?” which reminded me when I joked, “Kau tak join Sahabat Surau? Bagus betul ni ada kawan kau jadi Sahabat Surau.” Sometimes I wonder if my younger brother is able to take me seriously. Because I make stupid jokes all time.

I don’t exactly recall his reply but I did spontaneously said, “Kadang – kadang kau perlukan pedoman time kat U,” regarding the usrah thing.

The previous week or two, I once said to him, “Aku pun bukanlah budak usrah. Tak berapa nak ‘semangat tarbiyah’ (Adik and I giggle). Apatah lagi kemalasan tak terbendung.” Nothing funny about it but we laughed. You know… That kind of laugh during a decent conversation with the loved one. No need for jokes. We do not get that every day, do we?

I am such a bad influence. But hey, campus life is so much more exciting that you do not need your sister to figure things out. 

p/s: Just me and my second mug of tea. 

Angel Who Fell

We should not consume it before fasting. But it is so magical that it helps me solving conflict and stress many times! I drank the whole mug at about 2.30 am. I am still fine right now. Oh my coffee...

With coffee, my breathing is tremendous and I don’t easily weep over all my stupidities. Even if I do, I don’t feel as remorse as I would have. I guess caffeine magnifies the cerebral transmission while leaving the sober areas in good pace.

Anyways recently, H posted, “I miss her but I couldn't get over the fact that our friendship was broken just because of a guy, years before.”

I stalked H, my best friend from high school. I know, how pathetic is that, right? She will be so mad if she knows. Hehe. 

“…Maybe it’s about time to forget…,”in another post. Luckily I was not too emotional reading the post. Thanks once again, coffee.

I am surprised H still recalls the event. I mean, she made new friends in her college. Practically, she is living a happier life and being friendly as she always is. I cannot believe she is affected by what happened when we were sixteen.

As Ramadhan 2015 is about to end, I aim to be more friendly and love people more. I feel I do not love people enough. Maybe all the dramas  come from hatred within myself. Perhaps if I love people more, all the love will come back to me. So no issues of back stabbing or whatever.

Ways to Appreciate a Chick

Tidur 15 minit yang efektif buat aku terkenang – kenang. Euforia lepas tu, macam dah dapat kopi dan coklat.

Habis kertas Andrology dan Dermatology hari ini, campak bantal dan tidur. Segar bugar nak buat apa – apa lepas tu. Sebelum ni yang terbaru, tidur 30 minit paling nikmat, petang sebelum aku keluar buat kerja Sumbang Suara. Ambil risiko tak pasang alarm dan tidur. Bangun - bangun,

“Nyaman sungguh bilik tuan rumah ni. I’m ready to go!” balik rumah sewa sendiri dan bersiap ke majlis berkenaan.

Lompat ke tajuk masakan malas el-M inspired by Housemate L.

Tempoh hari aku masak ayam bakar. Resepi yang sepatutnya untuk kecemasan. Belum saat genting aku dah guna resepi kecemasan ni, maksudnya penyakit Sendi Malas tu dah datang.

2 ulas bawang putih, 2 bawang merah saiz sederhana, 2 serai, serbuk jintan dan ketumbar. Garam dan gula secukup rasa. Kisar. Macam kurang rasa hari tu. Aku rasa aku patut masukkan serbuk kunyit/daun kunyit.

Lantak.

Lulurkan pada seluruh ayam seekor, luar dan dalam. Sapu minyak pada dulang pembakar. Terus masukkan dalam ketuhar yang telah pun dipanaskan ke suhu 200⁰C selama 10 minit.                                                                                                        

Sejam confirm masak.

Sambil tu sejam boleh guna untuk ulangkaji  atau menangis teresak – esak menyesali zaman messed up kau. Bunyi je loceng ketuhar tu, boleh terus laung dari dalam bilik sambil lap hingus (kata mnangis teresak – esak kan?),

“You all, dinner dalam oven tau…!”

Yang penting, masak cara begini membolehkan kau lebih hargai rasa ayam tu. Bosan juga hari – hari masuk larutkan rasanya dalam sup atau kuah.

p/s: rindu nak masak ikan bakar ala Portugis stail Sendi Malas Tahap 4.

Zesty

As a quick review about the past two or three weeks,

I only want sugary foods. Chocolates, sweets and sweeter coffee. It was freaky enough to realise I tripled the amount of sugar in my 3 in 1 coffee. You know that 3 in 1 coffee already has sugars in it, right? So yeah.

Is it the winter? Or the hidden stress? I don’t care. At one time while studying, I can grasp firmly and say, “I want sweet foods!”

I almost ate all the candies, given by our neighbour from 10th floor. This year, I have to spend a little more for studies and plan for life after graduation. I need a lot of chocolates that I must allocate a special budget for it. Or if I can restrain myself, I can save money.

Just kidding.

Amoi 1: Actually, no. She’s dead serious. She could eat you, but sprinkles sugars first if she’s desperate enough.
M: Shut up.

But the sweetest of all is to have such a confident, adorable pal.

“Aku sekarang nak benda manis je.”
“Aku kan ada.”

Awwwh…

By the way, do you know that koshary tastes even better with a squeeze of lemon/lime?

Blonde Wig

Maka kerja aku pun menyelongkar arkib video. Budak-budak ni nak rujuk untuk hal promosi.

Bapak ah. I am ugly on camera.

More reasons to cover my ugliness or exaggerate it. I made peace with my glasses. Nope. Not peace. 'Love... yes, 'love - hate relationship' is the right term to begin with.

But I feel more sorry for this kakak than for my love-hate relationship.

I may cry, ruining my makeup

Wash away all the things you've taken

I don't care if I don't look pretty

Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking

Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking

Big girls cry when their heart is breaking

Every time I listen to this, I feel like saying, "Kakak, don't cry, Kakak. Now I want to cry too." to which that kakak replies,

"Big girls cry when the hearts are breaking, dik."

Me, sobbing louder to the extend of mournful wolf howl.

Then, there's this:

Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,

But your blade it might be too sharp

I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,

I may snap and I move fast

But you won't see me fall apart

'Cause I've got an elastic heart

This one reminds me of, "According to Starling Law, the more stretch applied on cardiac muscle, the more force of contraction is produced under certain limits."

Under certain limits, where actin and myosin cannot slide with each other anymore...

Under the title of volume overload.

Under katil kau ada momok?

Lewat dah. Habislah esok pagi mengantuk seksa nak bangun. Good night.

p/s: Sia songs.

I Palpated as Many as I Could

Three weeks there, I still did not find any reason to quit Medicine. Although I almost did when I failed to list out all groups of breast carcinoma T4 stage, I still think I want to do this. But lately, couple of days upon arriving Cairo, I doubt if I can be a doctor. I guess it was just part of adaptation from summer vacation mood to going back to Kasr al-Ainy Hospital.  

Breast Carcinoma T4 stage:

•      T4a – The tumour has spread into the chest wall
•      T4b – The tumour has spread into the skin and the breast may be swollen
•      T4c – The tumour has spread to both the skin and the chest wall
•      T4d – Inflammatory carcinoma – this is a cancer in which the overlying skin is red, swollen and painful to the touch

I was not alone during the posting. I met new friends. I met female students but they were in other departments. So, most of the time, I hung with three gentlemen as there was no other lady doing General Surgery elective posting. The last female student studying in Czech Republic we met had her last day on my first day there. Then, another male, a junior from Alexandria University came during my second or third week.

That makes one girl and four boys.

Anyways, I could bear with all the medical questions and criticisms from Medical Officers (MO). But this,

“Awak dah ada boyfriend?” asked Dr. M, the MO with pleasant aura as she ended her advice about when to get married.

“Kena cari dari sekarang.”

I felt like, not only did I failed in cancer staging, I failed in life. That is ridiculous. The equation does not work that way. Somehow, looking at my situation and awkwardness, I hate talking about this topic. Not the right time.

p/s: Each individual has their own plan. 

You are a Disease

I felt so lazy to go to hospital tomorrow and guilty not to answer call from F, the Jordan University of Science and Technology  third year student I met at Surgery Clinic when I got back home just after Zuhr prayer and my lunch that Friday. That fellow sure knows how to fit quickly into the hospital's system. 

That Friday, I thought I could settle some documentation tasks but I was wrong. I thought I had all the information I needed but apparently, I had none. My fault.

Adik got class at 10.30 am tomorrow. I jokingly persuaded him to skip class. Can't I just follow him everywhere? Hehe. Psycho sister. 

By the way, I am trying to plant this idea in my head.

"Laziness is a disease. Do ANYthing to cure it."

We know how not washing hands regularly can worsen nosocomial infection spread. Hence, we wash our hands often. Certain medical students, if not all, they 'know too much'. The more you know, the easier for you to be scared. I myself sometimes hesitant to go out just because I saw one or two trauma cases. 

Take another example. We know what danger out there in the dark, in the dim of the night. We don't walk alone on poorly lit streets.

The truth is, I am not sure how these examples relate to what I am trying to say. 

Finally, I'll try my best to take step against or avoid any forms of laziness. I'll go to the hospital. May the last week of this elective posting be not wasted. I don't do this every year like some of other students did. So, I am not wasting my time. 

Major guilt for my Sunday evening. Just now, I just found out that I've been lining up for toilet the wrong way. Here's what I found. I am sorry for my ignorance. I did not find the rationale behind that way (the right way) of queuing . So I just budged in the old, rude way.

I asked of the people in line, "Why were you all waiting so far away?"
One of the ladies said, "We are queuing."
I was like, "Why not in front of the toilet cubicles?"

They did not know how to explain. Now that I know the reason why it is the most mannered way to queue for the toilet, I'll make amends by not repeating the same uncivilized act. 

Curiosity After-effect

Macam trend pula orang post pasal posting elektif di dinding Facebook. 
Walaupun hobiku menulis, aku kurang rajin berbuat begitu. Nanti budak-budak yang rajin buat status Facebook ala-ala blog post tak ada kerja karang. 

Biasanya lepak di hospital sehingga pukul 5 petang, kadang-kadang 4 petang. Bila rajin atau pun terlajak bersembang dengan abang-abang MA dan kakak serta puan jururawat di situ, mungkin pukul 6 baru nak balik. Tapi hari ini aku balik pukul 2 petang. 

Perangai biasa, sejak zaman sekolah. Sudah terbiasa duduk di sekolah sehingga petang. Dalam kes ni, duduk dengan bahagia di hospital. 'Bahagia'lah sangat. Yang pasti aku tak merana pun. Which means bahagialah kot. Whatever. 

Jadi inilah serba sedikit klu untuk prosedur yang aku amati pada hari ini di Wad Daycare. 


ihsan Medical School Lecture Notes – Trusted & Reliable

Lain-lain tu, seperti biasa, aku di klinik. Balik rumah, ulangkaji semula serba sedikit perincian kes-kes yang aku dah tengok. Mungkin dalam masa yang terdekat aku cuba lebih kerap ke wad yang di bangunan lama tu. 

Kalau aku jadi HO atau MO situ, mesti pelik tengok rajin sangat bebudak medical student macam aku buat elective posting padahal bukan wajib untuk ditanda logbook atau apa-apa pun. Baik habiskan menonton drama, dokumentari (tolong jangan judge aku) dan filem ke... baca buku ilmiah yang kritikal ke... Tak pun, tidur sampai sembap. 

Aku katakan pada seorang HO, "Cuti panjang, boleh brain atrophy lah."




p/s: This is what we call, 'the curiosity after-effect'. 

Write to Distract

Today we sent Adik to UiTM Shah Alam. Only few hours passed, I felt like going back to Shah Alam and be with him, watch him everyday until I return to Cairo. After all, just yesterday, I had to console him about a minor issue. So, just another hug for this sister, please. 

Everyday I wished not to miss his moment stepping into the university. I imagined his admission date would be as late as mid September. Well it was not. Feeling accomplished and sad at the same time. 

Should have just booked early September to fly back to Cairo so that I wouldn't be alone at home. Okay that's overreacting. 

Let's see... My summer journey, apart from the annual must-do Balik Kampung ritual...

- Melaka (Tanjung Kling): wedding
- Kedah: programme, as participants' guide
- Negeri Sembilan: programme, as a participant

Tomorrow, I will be at General Surgery Department of Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang for my elective posting, solo. Or do I have friends in Klang area who care to join? I am nervous.

Speaking about the programme in Seremban, it was more of an exposure than real attachment. I could not agree more when the hospital director mentioned that one day is not enough to be familiar with the hospital system nor learning anything. But the programme fulfilled my expectations anyways. 

My group was given Psychiatry Department. You know what, I know nothing about Psychiatry and will only take Psychiatry subject next semester. One thing was for sure, I felt calm in the Psychiatry ward. Even I would love to register myself into that ward. Curiosity, baby. Curiosity. 

I knew I could not hide this tiny passion that I had. But due to false facts on this aspect of Medicine, whether by common people or some in medical field (my personal opinion, my limited observation), I kept my mouth shut. When people ask, "What sort of specialist you want to be?", I'll say, "I'm still exploring." Plus, I am equally interested in Surgery too and I don't know which speciality is most ideal for me. I have not go through housemanship. So far, I love every part of medicine. I have not pick any favourites yet. 

I hated when they identified my group using references as, "Oh, group yang kes obses basuh toilet tu kan?" Of course the patient that we talked to had nothing to do with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, let alone obsessing about cleaning toilets. That's just an example I made up:

Like, "...contohnya, patient yang obses basuh toilet, blah blah blah..." and the audience laughed although the speaker did not intend to make 'obses basuh toilet' a joke. 

What I want to stress here is some of the things that could be embarrassing to our patients. At lunch time, I restricted myself from talking too much about the patient. When a participant asked about our case, I told her the diagnosis and that's it. 

Remember something called, 'respect the patient'?

We are still far away from being a professional. We can't even at least PRETEND like one. 

Neon Colours for My Precious

We technically done Obstetrics and Gynecology and Paediatrics. I deserved those marks. I'm alarmed despite relieved that they were not lower than last year's grades. I compare grades, not figures. Who compare score figures, right? I wish you can see my bitter smile now. Heh.

I was inspired by a senior saying, "Bawa je buku ke mana-mana." So I did. And I lost it. I lost my precious Paediatrics book which I've highlighted using my precious highlighter pens. Gotta struggle with clean, fresh white book. Luckily, I survived.

Next time, I don't care. Maybe I'll feel stupid and lazy for not carrying my book everywhere, like the others. But I've made my decision. My department textbooks are not going anywhere out of my room. I will allow only reference books or notes. Not my babies a.k.a. department textbooks. Except during summer vacation just in case I had to study in Malaysia (mega laziness).

On second thought, the biggest lesson I've learnt was, 

"العلم في الصدور لا في الستور"

I pray that I'll have what it takes to digest whatever inside those thick Internal Medicine and Surgery books. Sixth Year, here I come. 

Ameen

Mak dan Adik dua-dua tak sedap badan raya hari tu. Barangkali badan terkejut terkena kedinginan hujan. Aku seorang saja yang segar bugar. Pasal aku memang doa mohon diturunkan hujan. 

Hari ni biasa-biasa tapi tetap bermakna. Paling nikmat bila dapat kacau Adik. Dia duduk situ main game senyap-senyap, maka di situlah aku konon-konon nak guna komputer juga. Dia tidur tenang, di situlah aku setia dengan tingkah laku paling annoying. Paling ganas aku lempang (sayang) saja dia. Tak pun pegang kepala dia, 

"Aku tengah serap kepandaian kau...! Argh..." stail kungfu.

Lepas tu dia balas dengan cubitan bertubi-tubi. I know, I'm already 23. So what?

Kalau borak-borak dengan Adik pula, macam-macam kami borakkan. Jelaslah Adik semakin dewasa. Adik made Kakak so proud... Isk isk. 

Dalam satu perbualan, adik akhiri dengan, "Kau kalau cakap macam ni depan orang, orang ingat kau liberal tahu tak?" seraya berseloroh.

Tak dilupakan, hari ni juga, di celah-celah perumahan pinggir bandar ni, yang orang nak datang beraya pun berdebar, tiba-tiba ada dua budak laki-laki anak siapa entah teriak dari luar nak raya. Apakah ini? Mak kata seruan Ustaz K supaya jangan marah budak-budak datang beraya. Maka Mak mempersilakan anak-anak tersebut. Gerak geri mereka tetap aku musykil. Overprotective instinct kata orang.

Paling bodoh yang aku buat petang tadi lepas deposit tunai, sebab menyampah simpan kertas lama-lama, dikoyak kemudian dibuang resit deposit tersebut. Janganlah tiba-tiba sistem data akaun buat hal tak detect duit masuk tu. Menangis aku nanti ketiadaan bukti transaksi. 

Setakat ni kawan sekolah lama pun aku belum contact. Aku agak dia pun tengah busy dengan aktiviti tersendiri. Tahun ni malas nak fikir pelan nak jumpa di mana, pakai baju apa dan lain-lain. 

Yang baca post ni mesti rasa syahdu dengan orang macam aku. Tapi kan, ada masanya, kau nak cuti kau diisi dengan sebanyak mungkin privacy. Gitu. Tapi mungkin dalam masa terdekat nak jumpa kawan aku C. Nak-nak aku belum bayar duit buku yang aku beli melalui dia. Bangga betul ada kawan yang pandai tulis cerpen ni. 

Misi aku esok, nak beli mi segera.