Intermediate Despair

I’m all drained. I’m all wasted, except by these present days. Seeing one of my dreams swaying before me. All that Maya Dealove can do; SEE, SMILE and SOB. Yea (cynical)... 3S goes for me... Yesterday I did my usual shine. All went on its track. I din’t collapse, neither worn out. Do not have the word to make ppl actually can feel this recent feeling. So let’s just refer our subject, “DARK SECRET did its usual cycle AGAIN”...

This morning thought that I would just do some relaxing reading (Physiology: Respiration) but I fell asleep. So that was the upshot, not bcoz I slept till 12 noon. I went to classes like I always do, but not in the same morning atmosphere. It was this nightmare. I mean, ALMOST A NIGHTMARE coz it looked so real. DO I NEED SOMEONE ELSE for this annoying issue? Till then, enough with 1 good person knowing this awful truth. Face the truth, Maya... PASTS JUST DON’T CHANGE. Not that I regret what happened in the past... I just... Arghh... Whatever. End of sentence.

Another metaphore; not so big deal. It’s like you know you’re a vampire, you were just afraid you’re going to sip blood AGAIN. The only thing was you haven’t made to your climax. You were still, a healthy, stable and almost recovered vampire. Now you’re a human. You really want to be a man like your friends. You want to live like you’re having good records. You hope that one you‘ve longed for will have same feelings like you do. Till today, you’re still crying too hard. I urgently need my long term memory for my course subjects, not for this nonsense.

As I am saying now, what I did in the nightmare, I just hate it so a lot. Everything will go random and ‘sweaty’ whenever I had that nightmare. But during the old high school days, I might be looking forward to that ‘sipping blood’ thing. Thankfully Maya Dealove still can count on her brain. Praised be to Allah for not letting me extend beyond His law. The saddest part in the nightmare was that I actually enjoyed “sipping the blood” and I did my very, very “best”... I was never been satisfied back there. Terrifying. Pathetic. I couldn’t stop. All were wasted. I really enjoyed my “sinned” moments>>> ‘SIPPING BLOOD’...

The absurd mood didn’t stop there. Went to classes, answered 2 Q. wrongly in Anatomy Spotting Exam, panicking at printing shop like a loser while there were much energy can be saved, and broke my nerves at home. FINALLY. To my beloved housemate Naqiyan Anis, sorry for saying, “Aku tgh btul2 BENGANG nih, so JGN SUH AKU STOP BENGANG”  Guess that should be the focus now. I harmed ppl around me by my angry words too... Cheers (cynical2), girl! no word would help, except zikr or and prayers. Ended up in short termed plead. bleeding from inside. O lusts or devil or jins or mind... Whoever you are, you played hard games with me... Did I lose?

‘No one’s goin’ to care for this insignificant post. So no one would mind dull justifications. Be it a lousy post, be it a personal Dealove’s masterpiece. I would care less. Maya Dealove is stable, normal ECG. hmm~

moral: never let urself fall asleep without at least “Bismillah”... ya Allah, these bad flash memories are killing me. (sigh...)

Final Semester: Medicine First Year, Cairo University 2010

aku tgk bberapa member dh post blog ttg first day at school (university, for the 2^nd semester)... well, aku pn nk post gk laa... ahaha...  ngada2 (mana ada ngada2... manja jerr... whatever)

xde pe sgt yg berlaku hari ni... Syukur dan Maha Suci Allah menjaga mataku drpd mngantuk... aku x tdo or even tersengguk lgsung dlm smua kelas, tp ad la gak mnguap dlm kelas CVS; sbab x cukup oksigen utk mnampung tenaga yg dh digunapakai utk pemahaman dlm ECG... haha... pusing sana pusing sini... haddoiii...

Ak rasa sungguh terharu Allah beri aku & kwn2 kesempatan bernafas sekali lagi utk mnyambung jihad kami semua di medan ilmu ni...  Bangun jerr dari tidur, “I’M ALIVE!!!” Sekali lagi Alhamdulillah... Aku akn cuba taip laju2, in compete with my heart beat sbb aku kena baca balik segala selok belok berbelit2 benda2 yg dh blajar arini dlm lecture.... fuhh3... (mcm vasalva’s method jerr...muahaha...)

arini, spt yg dijangkakan, akhawat kembali bergabung ngan ikhwah, i mean in terms of sitting in the same lecture hall...  walaupun xsmua kelas (dsbbkn bbrapa perbezaan tajuk yg diajar ataupun adakah lecturer tersalah faham? apa2 jela... heh)... bagi aku takde beza pun, seperti yg ‘golongan2 tertentu’ pikir... kelas berjalan spt biasa, lecturer semuanya masih ada kaliber masing2 yg tersendiri... member yg ditukar kpd lecturer baru pun otaknya ‘black out terus’... b4 this orientation even gets into trial...wujud beberapa respon negative sesetengah pihak... tp aku lebih memilih kpd, “u never know until u try”... cuba amalkan attitude seorang professional, bukannya menggelabah spt pe yg aku dh bbrapa kali nmpk dlm kalangan batch aku sendiri... senang cter, jgn ‘serabut2’, tak baik utk ‘kesihatan’ anda... muahaha... bukanlah kita sewenang2 nya2 berbuat sesuatu pbaharuan itu tanpa memikirkan risiko, tapi mata aku jelas nmpk, this idea does not put us at the edge of the cliff, but instead a challenge we put on our shoulders, a challenge that it’s been about time for us... risks are even at the safest place on Earth.

tp aku sgt faham, krn aku syg saudara2 ku, aku nmpk juga apa yg mereka nmpk (fikir atau takut atau waspada)... tp bg aku, selagi kita istiqamah, jgn la risau pd perubahan kpd kebaikan.... moga2 takde sentiment “selfishness” or any negative qualities dlm hati smasa anda mngemukakan hujah2 masa perjumpaan hari tuh, baik yg mempunyai pendapat sebijik mcm aku mahupun yg bercanggah dgn nya... ^_^  moga2 semuanya berjalan lancar dari semester Tahun Satu sampai bila2 pun... Kalo ada apa2 dugaan pun moga2 persaudaraan kita tetap ‘maintain’...  amin~

p/s: mode sentimental  kot. heh.

Yum-O!

Now it’s been at noon, i tried to start my “Healthy Yum-O’ diet with a half of cup of oats from Ragab Aulad Market. Or is it Aulad Ragab? Whatever. I know it sounds, “YUCKS!!!”, so i put in some sugar, small chunks of bananas and some milk. I tasted it. Now it tastes “YUCKS, YUCKS!!!”.... Muahaha... Now what do we have? Unfinished meal besides my laptop. Burp, I’m already full a.k.a. lost my appetite. 

It’s so Yum-O huh? Well it’s not! Haha. But I like it. Just not with the taste. Like I was sticking my throat with bunches of glutens. I can see the polysaccharide glue stretching out from it when I was lifting the spoon... Fuh3, you can do it... There’s nothing like a healthy diet...That’s what we call eating oat. Maya Dealove, just another bite... You can do it... 

Tried so hard to make friends of you, my dear (Mr Oat)... But your taste is still the same.Huk3... (wow, saw a carbonated drink on the table, think it’s mine...muahahaha)

Oh yeah... bout the last post, the title of the book I mentioned was ‘Muhammad: As If He is Here’. Actually, it should be, ‘Muhammad: As if You can See Him’... Tadaa...

p/s: ttbe aten aqila pass Chipsy kat aku... haha. nasib la, rosak dh diet hari ni... hehehe....

Till We See the Satellite

dah lama dah jari jemari aku ni tak mnari2 atas keyboard ni haa... aku rasa Beit Humaira’ dh abes dh cuti winter break nih, takde nk g mana2 sgt dh... kalo x aku dh x larat. Aku makin hari makin dimakan kerunsingan ttg result exam aku dan kalo ianya tak brapa memberansangkan, mcm mana aku nk counter back balik... Adoiii... cuak2... 

gila aku dibuatnya... betapa  byk harapan dan tanggungjawab yg ada pada bahu aku skg nih... Yg paling mencuakkan, Anatomy... Aku mmg btul2 rasa seolah2 dah takde sisa harapan la utk subjek tuh. Aku mohon sgt supaya aku punyai daya utk bangkit kalau2 aku ‘kalah’. .. Aku tak nak rasa down sampai aku berputus asa. Na’uzubillah...

Tapi utk mid year exam  ni, aku dh dpt sume feel. Harap2 aku takkan buat kesilapan yg sama bab ‘self-management’ ni... aku dh dpt atmosphere, corak dan lekuk2 cabaran yg bakal aku hadapai nanti utk final, just some lil’ clue...

Waa... aku nak balik Malaysia dgn aman!

p/s: my breakfast; orange and a glass of milk... haha... mngenyangkan bukan?