Mother's Lipstick

This is funny. A friend enquired about ‘when do I eat in-between-meals (because she said I seem rarely to eat other than main meals)', ‘which feature I fancy in a guy’, ‘do I have a hobby’, etc.

In short, “What are my other interests?”

Once I think I’m cool. The mysterious kind of ‘cool’. On second thought, 

“What am I?”

To assure that I am not a heartless creature, a freak, I must state that I just try to be careful, not to flatter too much any comforting, sweet and pleasant things.

Like when I saw Barbie dolls back in my childhood, take few minutes admiring, and then borrowing it for a while. Later,

“That doll will be outdated anyways. I can imagine it being a lonely ugly plastic one day. Not worth it.”

“There you go, I’m satisfied with this boring, smiling doll.” in my head, as I returned the fallacious projection of womanhood.

I rather draw, fantasize, pester my little brother or break some laws than asking for a doll.

I usually admonish myself from certain adornment. Or maybe, I already have my own obsession that I find other things are insignificant.

Plus, I get bored easily that I can’t stick to one subject for sparkles. Thus, the blue blouse paired with clumsy red skirt on Wednesday. Skirt malfunction totally broke my boredom. One or two female classmates  called out, 

“What’s with the combination?”

I really wanted to say,

“It’s a mundane Wednesday. Also, this is my mother’s vintage.”

p/s: vintage lah sangat!

Hor, Not Har

Definition of 'freedom' by the Black Theama. 

These guys reminded me of the friendly and honest people of Aswan, especially the Nubian community there.

You should try go to Aswan, you know. It's a quieter place, none like Cairo. 

Debt and Security

Rasa insecure seorang perempuan memuncak.

Nak berjaulah Luxor-Aswan ni, tapi hati tak tenang. Hampir sahaja takat luar kewarasan. Ikutkan hati mahu ditangguh. Sudah! Kalau ditangguh, bakal ditangguh lagi.
Jam menunjukkan hampir 5 petang. Lebih kurang pukul 5.30 petang nanti hari mula gelap. 

“Harap-harap sempat,” sambil menyeterika jubah dan padanan tudung.

Lagipun terlalu lama 'beta' bergelumang dengan tempat peraduan, wifi dan lemak pipi. Eloklah berjalan keluar sebentar.

Alang-alang, beli sedikit barang bekalan bermusafir dan sedikit brang dapur. LE 20 semuanya.

Serta-merta aku tunjukkan sesuatu yang tak pernah aku simpan rapi di rumah. Malu kot keluarkan sampah pembungkus dari dalam beg tangan. Lantaklah, dari rumah tadi, plastik kerepek kentang tu siap aku kepilkan bersama resit bertarikh 29 Disember 2012.

“Hari tu aku beli dua potato chips ni, tapi belum bayar.”

Akanku tamatkan permainan petang ni jua.

“Resit tak masukkan harga item-item ni. Berapa ya harganya?”

Lepas tengok bukti pembelian tadi, dia jawab “LE 5.”

Dipendekkan cerita, kata juruwang aku amanah. Siap cakap-cakap dgn orang sebelah, sekali dengan makcik pelanggan lagi. Respon positif atau negatif, aku tetap malu.

Ah, tak ada yang ajaibnya perbuatan aku. Modal sembang-sembang petang barangkali. Tidak memasal jadi benda menarik memecah kebosanan penjaga kedai runcit itu.

Aku bayangkan diriku dalam watak juruwang warga Mesir tersebut. Naluri penyiasatan mengatakan, boleh sahaja aku buat-buat bayar dua bungkus kerepek kentang padahal ada lebih daripada 5 item lain aku ambil tak bayar. Pada masa akan datang, dengan good impression yang berjaya dikekalkan, mudahlah aku mencuri di kemudian hari dengan riang gilang gemilang.

Zaman sekarang, bersangka baik ini tak semudah ditutur. Tapi alhamdulillah,

“LE 5 je pun.” katanya. Ikut terjemahan lembam aku lah.

Kalaulah bahasa Arab aku tahap tinggi lagi, hendak saja aku cakap,“Kerepek kentang yg cashier tempoh hari lupa masukkan dalam resit ni dah menyebabkan saya mimpi berbahasa Arab buat kali kedua dek mengarang dalam otak ayat macam mana nak bagi pakcik tak curiga pada saya. Saya boleh jadi gila hanya disebabkan LE 5, lebih parah jika masuk neraka!”

Tanda seru bukan maksud marah, tapi manifestasi gundah gulana Siti Paranoid.

You see, sometimes it’s the insecurity which moves girls forward, even in the late evening where it’s near Maghrib adhan. Haha tak ada kaitan langsung.

"I don't remember any pumpkins," Mat Jenin Says

"Guys who don't focus on the work in front of them, don't have the right to talk about their dreams."
[Spoken by the character, Kuwabara Atsushi in Bambino, a Japanese drama series.]

These words answered one of my questions about big dream management, i.e. to push the wall of reality but still aim to reach for stars above. Or let us put it the other way, dream as big as you want, but remember, the present hour needs you too. 

One of methods I profoundly agree to avoid being a Mat Jenin.

The line refreshed my first so-called dream for Medicine alive. It was technically made into a promise back then, witnessed by three officers and three other applicants during JPA Scholarship interview 5 years ago. 

2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, late January 2013. Almost 5 years now.

I miss that Psychiatry-Psychology passion. As for the time being, let's just hope M will be more hardworking, right? 




p/s: cabaran lembaran Forensik dan Toksikologi. Tiga helai kemudian terdodoi lena.