Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Intermediate Despair

I’m all drained. I’m all wasted, except by these present days. Seeing one of my dreams swaying before me. All that Maya Dealove can do; SEE, SMILE and SOB. Yea (cynical)... 3S goes for me... Yesterday I did my usual shine. All went on its track. I din’t collapse, neither worn out. Do not have the word to make ppl actually can feel this recent feeling. So let’s just refer our subject, “DARK SECRET did its usual cycle AGAIN”...

This morning thought that I would just do some relaxing reading (Physiology: Respiration) but I fell asleep. So that was the upshot, not bcoz I slept till 12 noon. I went to classes like I always do, but not in the same morning atmosphere. It was this nightmare. I mean, ALMOST A NIGHTMARE coz it looked so real. DO I NEED SOMEONE ELSE for this annoying issue? Till then, enough with 1 good person knowing this awful truth. Face the truth, Maya... PASTS JUST DON’T CHANGE. Not that I regret what happened in the past... I just... Arghh... Whatever. End of sentence.

Another metaphore; not so big deal. It’s like you know you’re a vampire, you were just afraid you’re going to sip blood AGAIN. The only thing was you haven’t made to your climax. You were still, a healthy, stable and almost recovered vampire. Now you’re a human. You really want to be a man like your friends. You want to live like you’re having good records. You hope that one you‘ve longed for will have same feelings like you do. Till today, you’re still crying too hard. I urgently need my long term memory for my course subjects, not for this nonsense.

As I am saying now, what I did in the nightmare, I just hate it so a lot. Everything will go random and ‘sweaty’ whenever I had that nightmare. But during the old high school days, I might be looking forward to that ‘sipping blood’ thing. Thankfully Maya Dealove still can count on her brain. Praised be to Allah for not letting me extend beyond His law. The saddest part in the nightmare was that I actually enjoyed “sipping the blood” and I did my very, very “best”... I was never been satisfied back there. Terrifying. Pathetic. I couldn’t stop. All were wasted. I really enjoyed my “sinned” moments>>> ‘SIPPING BLOOD’...

The absurd mood didn’t stop there. Went to classes, answered 2 Q. wrongly in Anatomy Spotting Exam, panicking at printing shop like a loser while there were much energy can be saved, and broke my nerves at home. FINALLY. To my beloved housemate Naqiyan Anis, sorry for saying, “Aku tgh btul2 BENGANG nih, so JGN SUH AKU STOP BENGANG”  Guess that should be the focus now. I harmed ppl around me by my angry words too... Cheers (cynical2), girl! no word would help, except zikr or and prayers. Ended up in short termed plead. bleeding from inside. O lusts or devil or jins or mind... Whoever you are, you played hard games with me... Did I lose?

‘No one’s goin’ to care for this insignificant post. So no one would mind dull justifications. Be it a lousy post, be it a personal Dealove’s masterpiece. I would care less. Maya Dealove is stable, normal ECG. hmm~

moral: never let urself fall asleep without at least “Bismillah”... ya Allah, these bad flash memories are killing me. (sigh...)