Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Blonde Wig

Maka kerja aku pun menyelongkar arkib video. Budak-budak ni nak rujuk untuk hal promosi.

Bapak ah.
I am ugly on camera.

More reasons to cover my ugliness or exaggerate it. I made peace with my glasses. Nope. Not peace. 'Love... yes, 'love - hate relationship' is the right term to begin with.

But I feel more sorry for this kakak than for my love-hate relationship.

I may cry, ruining my makeup

Wash away all the things you've taken

I don't care if I don't look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their heart is breaking

Every time I listen to this, I feel like saying, "Kakak, don't cry, Kakak. Now I want to cry too." to which that kakak replies,

"Big girls cry when the hearts are breaking, dik."

Me, sobbing louder to the extend of mournful wolf howl.

Then, there's this:

Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart

This one reminds me of, "According to Starling Law, the more stretch applied on cardiac muscle, the more force of contraction is produced under certain limits."

Under certain limits, where actin and myosin cannot slide with each other anymore...

Under the title of volume overload.
Under katil kau ada momok?

Lewat dah. Habislah esok pagi mengantuk seksa nak bangun. Good night.

p/s: Sia songs.

Friday, October 3, 2014

I Palpated as Many as I Could

Three weeks there, I still did not find any reason to quit Medicine. Although I almost did when I failed to list out all groups of breast carcinoma T4 stage, I still think I want to do this. But lately, couple of days upon arriving Cairo, I doubt if I can be a doctor. I guess it was just part of adaptation from summer vacation mood to going back to Kasr al-Ainy Hospital.  

  •      T4a – The tumour has spread into the chest wall
  •      T4b – The tumour has spread into the skin and the breast may be swollen
  •      T4c – The tumour has spread to both the skin and the chest wall
  •      T4d – Inflammatory carcinoma – this is a cancer in which the overlying skin is red, swollen and painful to the touch

I was not alone during the posting. I met new friends. I met female students but they were in other departments. So, most of the time, I hung with three gentlemen as there was no other lady doing General Surgery elective posting. The last female student studying in Czech Republic we met had her last day on my first day there. Then, another male, a junior from Alexandria University came during my second or third week.

That makes one girl and four boys.

Anyways, I could bear with all the medical questions and criticisms from Medical Officers (MO). But this,

Awak dah ada boyfriend?” asked Dr. M, the MO with pleasant aura as she ended her advice about when to get married.

Kena cari dari sekarang.”

I felt like, not only did I failed in cancer staging, I failed in life. That is ridiculous. The equation does not work that way. Somehow, looking at my situation and awkwardness, I hate talking about this topic. Not the right time.

p/s: Each individual has their own plan. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

You are a Disease

I felt so lazy to go to hospital tomorrow and guilty not to answer call from F, the Jordan University of Science and Technology  third year student I met at Surgery Clinic when I got back home just after Zuhr prayer and my lunch that Friday. That fellow sure knows how to fit quickly into the hospital's system. 

That Friday, I thought I could settle some documentation tasks but I was wrong. I thought I had all the information I needed but apparently, I had none. My fault.

Adik got class at 10.30 am tomorrow. I jokingly persuaded him to skip class. Can't I just follow him everywhere? Hehe. Psycho sister. 

By the way, I am trying to plant this idea in my head.

"Laziness is a disease. Do ANYthing to cure it."

We know how not washing hands regularly can worsen nosocomial infection spread. Hence, we wash our hands often. Certain medical students, if not all, they 'know too much'. The more you know, the easier for you to be scared. I myself sometimes hesitant to go out just because I saw one or two trauma cases. 

Take another example. We know what danger out there in the dark, in the dim of the night. We don't walk alone on poorly lit streets.

The truth is, I am not sure how these examples relate to what I am trying to say. 

Finally, I'll try my best to take step against or avoid any forms of laziness. I'll go to the hospital. May the last week of this elective posting be not wasted. I don't do this every year like some of other students did. So, I am not wasting my time. 

Major guilt for my Sunday evening. Just now, I just found out that I've been lining up for toilet the wrong way. Here's what I found. I am sorry for my ignorance. I did not find the rationale behind that way (the right way) of queuing . So I just budged in the old, rude way.

I asked of the people in line, "Why were you all waiting so far away?"
One of the ladies said, "We are queuing."
I was like, "Why not in front of the toilet cubicles?"

They did not know how to explain. Now that I know the reason why it is the most mannered way to queue for the toilet, I'll make amends by not repeating the same uncivilized act. 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Curiosity After-effect

Macam trend pula orang post pasal posting elektif di dinding Facebook. 
Walaupun hobiku menulis, aku kurang rajin berbuat begitu. Nanti budak-budak yang rajin buat status Facebook ala-ala blog post tak ada kerja karang. 

Biasanya lepak di hospital sehingga pukul 5 petang, kadang-kadang 4 petang. Bila rajin atau pun terlajak bersembang dengan abang-abang MA dan kakak serta puan jururawat di situ, mungkin pukul 6 baru nak balik. Tapi hari ini aku balik pukul 2 petang. 

Perangai biasa, sejak zaman sekolah. Sudah terbiasa duduk di sekolah sehingga petang. Dalam kes ni, duduk dengan bahagia di hospital. 'Bahagia'lah sangat. Yang pasti aku tak merana pun. Which means bahagialah kot. Whatever

Jadi inilah serba sedikit klu untuk prosedur yang aku amati pada hari ini di Wad Daycare. 

ihsan Medical School Lecture Notes – Trusted & Reliable

Lain-lain tu, seperti biasa, aku di klinik. Balik rumah, ulangkaji semula serba sedikit perincian kes-kes yang aku dah tengok. Mungkin dalam masa yang terdekat aku cuba lebih kerap ke wad yang di bangunan lama tu. 

Kalau aku jadi HO atau MO situ, mesti pelik tengok rajin sangat bebudak medical student macam aku buat elective posting padahal bukan wajib untuk ditanda logbook atau apa-apa pun. Baik habiskan menonton drama, dokumentari (tolong jangan judge aku) dan filem ke... baca buku ilmiah yang kritikal ke... Tak pun, tidur sampai sembap. 

Aku katakan pada seorang HO, "Cuti panjang, boleh brain atrophy lah."

p/s: This is what we call, 'the curiosity after-effect'. 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Write to Distract

Today we sent Adik to UiTM Shah Alam. Only few hours passed, I felt like going back to Shah Alam and be with him, watch him everyday until I return to Cairo. After all, just yesterday, I had to console him about a minor issue. So, just another hug for this sister, please. 

Everyday I wished not to miss his moment stepping into the university. I imagined his admission date would be as late as mid September. Well it was not. Feeling accomplished and sad at the same time. 

Should have just booked early September to fly back to Cairo so that I wouldn't be alone at home. Okay that's overreacting. 

Let's see... My summer journey, apart from the annual must-do Balik Kampung ritual...

- Melaka (Tanjung Kling): wedding
- Kedah: programme, as participants' guide
- Negeri Sembilan: programme, as a participant

Tomorrow, I will be at General Surgery Department of Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang for my elective posting, solo. Or do I have friends in Klang area who care to join? I am nervous.

Speaking about the programme in Seremban, it was more of an exposure than real attachment. I could not agree more when the hospital director mentioned that one day is not enough to be familiar with the hospital system nor learning anything. But the programme fulfilled my expectations anyways. 

My group was given Psychiatry Department. You know what, I know nothing about Psychiatry and will only take Psychiatry subject next semester. One thing was for sure, I felt calm in the Psychiatry ward. Even I would love to register myself into that ward. Curiosity, baby. Curiosity. 

I knew I could not hide this tiny passion that I had. But due to false facts on this aspect of Medicine, whether by common people or some in medical field (my personal opinion, my limited observation), I kept my mouth shut. When people ask, "What sort of specialist you want to be?", I'll say, "I'm still exploring." Plus, I am equally interested in Surgery too and I don't know which speciality is most ideal for me. I have not go through housemanship. So far, I love every part of medicine. I have not pick any favourites yet. 

I hated when they identified my group using references as, "Oh, group yang kes obses basuh toilet tu kan?" Of course the patient that we talked to had nothing to do with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, let alone obsessing about cleaning toilets. That's just an example I made up:

Like, "...contohnya, patient yang obses basuh toilet, blah blah blah..." and the audience laughed although the speaker did not intend to make 'obses basuh toilet' a joke. 

What I want to stress here is some of the things that could be embarrassing to our patients. At lunch time, I restricted myself from talking too much about the patient. When a participant asked about our case, I told her the diagnosis and that's it. 

Remember something called, 'respect the patient'?

We are still far away from being a professional. We can't even at least PRETEND like one. 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Neon Colours for My Precious

We technically done Obstetrics and Gynecology and Paediatrics. I deserved those marks. I'm alarmed despite relieved that they were not lower than last year's grades. I compare grades, not figures. Who compare score figures, right? I wish you can see my bitter smile now. Heh.

I was inspired by a senior saying, "Bawa je buku ke mana-mana." So I did. And I lost it. I lost my precious Paediatrics book which I've highlighted using my precious highlighter pens. Gotta struggle with clean, fresh white book. Luckily, I survived.

Next time, I don't care. Maybe I'll feel stupid and lazy for not carrying my book everywhere, like the others. But I've made my decision. My department textbooks are not going anywhere out of my room. I will allow only reference books or notes. Not my babies a.k.a. department textbooks. Except during summer vacation just in case I had to study in Malaysia (mega laziness).

On second thought, the biggest lesson I've learnt was, 

"العلم في الصدور لا في الستور"

I pray that I'll have what it takes to digest whatever inside those thick Internal Medicine and Surgery books. Sixth Year, here I come. 

Saturday, August 2, 2014


Mak dan Adik dua-dua tak sedap badan raya hari tu. Barangkali badan terkejut terkena kedinginan hujan. Aku seorang saja yang segar bugar. Pasal aku memang doa mohon diturunkan hujan. 

Hari ni biasa-biasa tapi tetap bermakna. Paling nikmat bila dapat kacau Adik. Dia duduk situ main game senyap-senyap, maka di situlah aku konon-konon nak guna komputer juga. Dia tidur tenang, di situlah aku setia dengan tingkah laku paling annoying. Paling ganas aku lempang (sayang) saja dia. Tak pun pegang kepala dia, 

"Aku tengah serap kepandaian kau...! Argh..." stail kungfu.

Lepas tu dia balas dengan cubitan bertubi-tubi. I know, I'm already 23. So what?

Kalau borak-borak dengan Adik pula, macam-macam kami borakkan. Jelaslah Adik semakin dewasa. Adik made Kakak so proud... Isk isk. 

Dalam satu perbualan, adik akhiri dengan, "Kau kalau cakap macam ni depan orang, orang ingat kau liberal tahu tak?" seraya berseloroh.

Tak dilupakan, hari ni juga, di celah-celah perumahan pinggir bandar ni, yang orang nak datang beraya pun berdebar, tiba-tiba ada dua budak laki-laki anak siapa entah teriak dari luar nak raya. Apakah ini? Mak kata seruan Ustaz K supaya jangan marah budak-budak datang beraya. Maka Mak mempersilakan anak-anak tersebut. Gerak geri mereka tetap aku musykil. Overprotective instinct kata orang.

Paling bodoh yang aku buat petang tadi lepas deposit tunai, sebab menyampah simpan kertas lama-lama, dikoyak kemudian dibuang resit deposit tersebut. Janganlah tiba-tiba sistem data akaun buat hal tak detect duit masuk tu. Menangis aku nanti ketiadaan bukti transaksi. 

Setakat ni kawan sekolah lama pun aku belum contact. Aku agak dia pun tengah busy dengan aktiviti tersendiri. Tahun ni malas nak fikir pelan nak jumpa di mana, pakai baju apa dan lain-lain. 

Yang baca post ni mesti rasa syahdu dengan orang macam aku. Tapi kan, ada masanya, kau nak cuti kau diisi dengan sebanyak mungkin privacy. Gitu. Tapi mungkin dalam masa terdekat nak jumpa kawan aku C. Nak-nak aku belum bayar duit buku yang aku beli melalui dia. Bangga betul ada kawan yang pandai tulis cerpen ni. 

Misi aku esok, nak beli mi segera.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Blue Baju Kurung

I'm coming home

I'm coming home
tell the World I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

My respond, "I haven't get any drop of rain on my palms, yet. And Klang is no less hot than Cairo."

This year, I don't know what's so exciting about going home. If it wasn't because of my responsibility to my parents and elective posting, I preferred to sit quietly in my room in Cairo and read books, watch movie or fall asleep to the breeze by the rent house balcony. And if I am a guy, I'd travel alone or with a partner across Europe. 

As we arrived at KLIA, I lazily pulled the luggage trolley out. Like I said, I lost my excitement about going home. 

You, especially those who will be spending Eid in Egypt or any parts of the world other than Tanah Tumpahnya Darahku would slam me for saying that because this year, I've decided to join my housemate going back to Egypt a little bit late. I know, guilty as charged, right? Blame it on my daredevil instincts. 

Then again, I had my little brother here. Things felt better when I met my former high school tutor yesterday in an event. Puan Rohana, who made Physics and Additional Mathematics easy remembered me. I think that's a good sign.  

Maybe excitement is about to start soon.

Oh yes, speaking about that, I was a tuition addict back in high school. Nah, just for PMR and SPM. Biology at Bandar Bukit Tinggi, Physics and AddMath at Taman Sri Andalas and Chemistry at Klang town. 

Ala-ala menuntut dari mahaguru la ni. Haha.  Many students thought it won't be necessary for Biology tuition. You can read Biology by yourself. But hey, when you got better teaching, lesson is more interesting (good commercial catchphrase). 

Actually no, the real thing is, I was so lazy to read and practice by myself. That's why I registered into those tuition classes. You gotta do what you gotta do, okay?

Okay... High school was over. I am already 23. Let's live the moment. I can't wait to cook for my family. Err, maybe after Raya? Hehe. 

p/s: That 'tuition-addict-kind of spirit' I was trying to grab in Medicine. I know I can. God let me pass fifth year. 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Bleeding Case Twice but Not This

I should post something short inspired by blood. Because we medical students must find five minutes getaway from 'hemoconcentration', 'hematocrite value', 'complete blood count', etc.

For an amateur like me, ideas won't come out easily. So, as soon as something pops into my mind, I will grab whatever in my hands to scribble down. Sticky notes, mini note book and the latest, a file entitled, 'Confidential' in my Samsung Galaxy S3. Well not the latest from Samsung but the newer phone than my humble, simple Nokia. 

I accidentally delete everything. I don't know how it happened but it happened, All 'prototypes' survived except this little dark one. 

Kids, copying and pasting using keyboards are better than using smartphone. Not that smart, huh?

I can only remember, 

"She ran her dagger softly, from the boy's throat downwards. How she smelt like vanilla sedated him. That dagger was neatly secured into his chest."

"She hugged him so hard that her white robe stained with blood, as if not to let one drop on the ground."

"His smile faded but both he and Amaya were happy."

Something I would write for my high school essays. Ah those days. 

Despite I lost it, I don't think I'll rewrite the same thing. It won't be the same the second time. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Your Rainbow is with Me

Pemanas sendi-sendi jari tuan punya yang telah lama tak ada ilham. Terimalah, 

Pelangi Kelabu

Patutnya sekarang 
Aku sedang ubah suai projek peribadi aku.
Berbulan tarik tali, kata hati masih tak bulat.
Dari petang tadi jiwa tak keruan.
Beberapa jam sebelumnya dada aku sakit.
Perut, paru-paru atau jantung?
Tapi terlalu dekat tajamnya pada bucu jantung.
Selalunya beberapa saat.
Hari ini bisa helaan nafas lebih lima minit.
Apa kata kalau ajal di dalam sebuah dewan?
Mula-mula takut.
Kelamaan saraf euforia.
Pasti aku boleh tidur dengan tenang.
Berbanding benda sial yang wajib atas tengkuk aku.
Maut lebih manis.
Logiknya aku tak perlu terkejut.
Dongak ke atas sana.
Rembulan bercahaya penuh.

Rekaan monolog terbaru. Nikmatilah perasanya. Rasakan sengsara itu, sama ada benar-benar wujud dalam kisah aku atau menurut khayalan kamu.

p/s: Sekali-sekala. 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Lacey Flint

We agreed to check out Cheshire Oaks Designer Outlets. Some of the girls prepared aims to several items. Me? I prefer, “I’ll buy something if there’s one catching my eyes.”

I loved shopping, but didn’t plan shopping as part of my UK-Eire trip. I was more into sightseeing. 

So, unfortunately, I couldn’t join the same fun as the girls did. But I was glad to see their bright eyes. I was so easy to be pleased.

Perhaps I was amazingly specific on what I want that none of the items at the brand outlets seem to be good deals to me. 50%, 70% cut off? Still a no. 

Or perhaps designer bags and shoes were too exclusive to a cheap person like me, that I didn't think how I performed in Paediatrics End Round Exam deserved such reward.

As they entered the last store, I entered a bookstore there. How I appreciate the bookworm side of me.  

I usually preferred biographies and factual books but I decided to move to another genre. I saw Nelson Mandela biography but my fingers were only passing by it. 

Since I loved my first chiller novel, I wanted more goose bumps this time.

Alas, I bought ‘Like This, For Ever’ by S. J. Bolton.  

In this novel, a character felt close to me was Lacey. She loved walking near the river at night; while couple of months ago I fantasized doing the same thing with Nile River. 

It is like, “Hey, we have a thing in common, Lacey!”

Luckily, I sublimated that wild fantasy into staring at Cliffs of Moher, Ireland on February 5.

These days, instead of the sky, I tend to choose the sea. Uh-uh.