Better Off Alone

I was so lucky to be chosen as one of participants of a leadership course from 5^th December to 8^th December held by the embassy and scholarship sponsors.

We were divided into groups. In one of the group sessions, we were instructed to draw a tree/plant that represents us. Then all members, not knowing whose sketches in each paper, guess the personality of the persons who draw them.

Okay, my drawing’s turn.

I drew a bird on a branch to symbolize my one and only brother. One mistaken for a squirrel.

I filled the tree bark with few wrinkles. One interpreted as someone who is the oldest in our group. Hooray! You are good.

Next, another guess,

“This person is lonely,” because I didn't draw other objects around that tree such as human and swing.

I thought I put simplicity statement vividly enough by not adding other structures around my symbolic tree.

Maybe the right sentence is, “This person loves to be left alone.” I don’t know. I should know myself better.

Okay, NOW I feel lonely when I relate to certain issues. Could he/she be true?

p/s: Lately my fantasy is to stand alone watching Nile river in the night. Unfortunately that’s impossible. It’s too unsafe to fulfill that crazy 2013 fantasy and it’s already Disember 14, almost New Year 2014. Lol.

My Man is All Mine

“…I have passion in teaching, blah blah…”

Dr. Gadallah’s energetic introduction enlivened back my ambition to be a lecturer/teaching professor one day. I do not want to be a lecturer because my husband tells me so or because someone wants me to slow down work in the field.

I want to be a person who can help people access information with meaningful understanding. I want it to be fiery passion.

Our lecturers here in Kasr al-Ainy Faculty of Medicine have various techniques to keep us stay awake. Because everyone knows our brain capabilities.

Two hours non-stop monotonous lecture?  I should be thankful enough no epileptic attacks are involved.

I have seen there are quite a number who fall under the ‘X Factor-category’. One of them, Dr. B was fairly witty and knew well to win our hearts. Definitely patients’ favorite doctor, I think.

He interchanged in between that day’s lesson with jokes, personal stories and real-life questions.

“If your husband wants to marry another woman, will you…”

With due respect to women all around the world having rights to choose, I was certain to shriek, “No” but Dr. B left me no option.

“…will you allow him or KILL him?”

Female territory in that small lecture room was mute. Oh doctor, you gave most of us no option. I knew he did not mean ‘kill’ literally. I just prefer “Not allow” over “Kill him”. Gosh.

Then I heard my good friend who recently learnt to curse in English whispered to me, “Go to hell!”, intended for such question. Then, her wicked smile. 

I shouldn’t have let her watch that assassin movie.

I think I’ve planted the seed of a potential killer.

 :O

p/s: I thought I was the only mean one. I just love my friend.

Biting the Lips

I realised I had a bad habit. I loved biting my lips. One time it was the lower lip. Then another day, upper lip. It depends on which over-dehydrated first. 

Winter season? Oh yeah... behold. A wave of lip-biting weirdos are coming... Worse than Plants vs. Zombies. 

I just felt the urge to remove that tiny, little area of dry epithelium immediately. Was almost an obsession, addiction maybe? 

But hey, I will swim into medical practice soon. In another two and a half years, I mean. Hehe.  By the way, I'll start my fifth year in Kasr al-Ainy Faculty of Medicine by October 19. 

So I need to stop. One day I could send wrong, inappropriate signals! Read this. Hope that I didn't send those awkward messages. Or I already did? Most importantly, I don't want to look disgusting to my friends. (lower my shoulders)

Just imagine, you're a guy. Double the drama, you're a shy type of guy. Off you go to the stage to present the most boring chapter on Earth, with pride, then just 15 minutes through the session, you glance at a side of the lecture hall. 

There you saw a girl, biting her lower lip like she meant it towards you. Oh my. Although all she really did was hating lip balms or Vaseline.  They said it's good to change eye contacts once in a while during presentation. Public speaking thing. They said it would be for a better presentation. Sobs. Poor shy guy. 

Hmm... I literally ruined too many first impressions before. (lower my shoulders even more) 

Da da dum da da dee,

Let's just move on shall we?
Wee.

Weird.

Of Nyonya Mansoor and Mummy

Ikutkan hati, sementara tunggu keputusan pasti tarikh mula kelas, memang nak kerja. 

Adakah aku akan menjadi waiter semula? Tapi rumah ini lebih memerlukan daku. 

Haha intro tak mahu kalah ala-ala telenovela. 

Siang semalam seorang diri aku menyusun atur perabot bilik utama. Bersihkan habuk pun boleh demam ke? Achoo!

Malamnya sambil melipat elok segala jenis kain, aku menonton filem Ibu Mertuaku. Ada satu babak Sabariah menanyakan Kassim Selamat, "Jika sesuatu terjadi padaku, adakah kau akan tetap bersamaku?". Lebih kurang maksudnya.

Tapi dia lupa hendak bertanya pada dirinya adakah dia sanggup bersama Kassim waktu susah dan senang. Terfikir juga aku, bolehkah aku menjadi seperti Chombi, menerima Kassim tidak kira bagaimana rupa?

Memang tidak boleh dinafikan, watak Sabariah memang kuat berhibur. Maklumlah, orang tak biasa susah.

"Alah Kassim...!"

p/s: Lama dah tak mengikuti drama Ummi. Jatuh hati sangat pada drama ni. 

He Said He Lead Revolution

Look what I found as I was eliminating little brother's old things. A pure teen essay! Aww... 

UJIAN PRESTASI 2, 2012.

Section B: Continuous Writing
Question 4 

When I was a kid, I always imagine myself as an important figure for the whole people throughout the world. I was wearing black suit with a red necktie and my hair was slick and shiny. My body and soul were reunited in such a manner that I was able to confront thousands of people in front of me. Those were admirers, reporters and investors waiting for my voice to silence the opposition lurking behind their own shadows.

What was I thinking about? Was it to become the prime minister? Well, actually I was thinking about something else. From my watery eyes, I observed the nature and its living things. I could almost feel how it flowed smoothly as it was planned.

So, I decided to do something extraordinary for my people. I have watched my brother fallen in the battlefield. Houses were burnt. Families were forced to leave their village. Because of war, everything was torn apart. I had decided to join the army as it was my only choice left.

I became a medical assistant. Everywhere I went, medical kits would always be within my grasp because anytime soldiers would need me. As if medical kits were my weapon in the battlefield. However, it was not long before I changed my weapon into a real one. It was that day when I followed my platoon into a forest. The mission was to ambush the enemy and loot their ammunition and firearms.

Unfortunately, we were overwhelmed by the enemy. Almost everyone was shot down. Quickly enough I traded my medical kits with a rifle from a dead soldier. From that point I became a soldier.

For a long period of time I served in the army with a good reputation. I was expected to receive a promotion from my leader. And eventually I replaced the remaining leader and became the General of the Army.

With my intelligence I ordered my army to carry out many war tactics towards my enemy. My enemy feared me because of that successful warfare. At the same time, I recruited new soldiers from numerous villages throughout the country. I also had a large number of followers from different villages I had united earlier.

From huge supports I had received, I finally defeated my enemy and overthrown the ruling party. I became the president   of my country. All my efforts were paid off and I gave my speech in front of my people. I swore in front of them that I would exterminate poverty from this nation. I will build hospitals for the villagers. And above all, I will change this country into a democratic country.

Everyone cheered and clapped as I finished my speech. Although I had to use the hard way to become the president, I had no other choice. I was a hero. I have lead a revolution. Finally, I have achieved my greatest triumph. 

Hmm, what about question 1, 2, 3 and 5? Let's see...

Write a composition of about 350 words on one of the following topics:

1. A mother's sacrifice (this one, maybe I could write about mommy kitty. Just imagine, Persian cats talking? From pampered baby to perished happiness?)

2. The advantages and disadvantage of blogging (Boring...)

3. Ways of preventing illegal motorcycle racing (You seriously must be a hardcore bookworm to write a GOOD one, kids. Because EVERYBODY can write this.)

4. Write a story ending with:
    "...Finally, I have achieved my greatest triumph."

5. Silence (Ideas ramification alert!)

So... this chunky little brother of mine picked Question 4. Good ideas, inspiring, some vocab and impressive imagination there I can see. I believe he added both his interests; war games and politics into the chronology. Day-dreaming too. :p

But yeah, it's an everyone's problem. Grammar. I edited some of the errors. Overall, he deserved that 40/50 his teacher marked. 

Ah... I smell originality. Or not? I hate plagiarism (Even few teachers encourage that! What kind of teacher who would tell students to memorize essays? Grr...). 

Nah, I still think this comes straight from him. He won't memorize others' essay. He barely memorize anything. Haha.

Amoi 1: Suddenly being a critic? 

M: Merely for fun.

p/s: wasting filling my leisure time here. 

Anemia Delights

Kaum hawa sebayaku pandai sungguh membuat berjenis-jenis manisan. Tak seperti lauk-pauk  yang boleh dicampak-campak ramuannya, aku memang tak reti menghasilkan sebarang biskut atau kek.

Bagi aku bidang kuih-muih ni ibarat Matematik Tambahan. Tak pun Matematik sekolah rendah masa aku kena panggil dengan cikgu Matematik darjah 6.  

“Awak ada masalah ke?” tanya cikgu Shahrul, mengambil berat.

Sayu hatiku. Maka aku hanya menidakkan soalan sambil tersengih-sengih kelat. Padahal memang sengaja aku protes tak mahu hafal sifir.

“Apa pasallah sekolah rendah tak boleh pakai kalkulator?” getus nilai ketidakmatanganku.

Berbalik kepada pembuatan manisan, suatu hari aku nak juga cuba buat agar-agar santan. Lawa gambar Agar-agar Santan Ros dalam blog masakan itu. Merah menyala, bentuk hati lagi. Romantica de amor.

Sebelum agar-agar tu rasa macam nutrient agar makmal mikrobiologi, aku pun tampal catatan resepi pada peti sejuk. Pelekat magnet pun siap berukir bunga ala-ala stail Inggeris, baik dimanfaatkan.

Dek menyedari kehadiran sekeping kertas A4 tersebut, Mak aku menegur. Tapi ayat yang last tu,

“Jangan sampai goreng telur pun kena tengok resepi dah ler…” kata Mak separuh berbisik.

Dia punya impak… Hampir seakan-akan terpelanting aku ke pintu pagar jiran depan rumah.

p/s: I am the inventor of Agar-agar Santan Ros Anemia.

Thick Blood

We only spent Eid holidays in Johor until the third Syawal. 

At the back seat, I asked my brother, "Kalau kau kena describe satu benda tentang aku, apa perkataan pertama yang muncul dalam kepala kau?"
"Pendek!" with his cunning smile.

I laughed. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I slept after dawn then woke up at about 10 am. I didn't have much time to prepare food so there were just french fries, almost burnt nuggets and chicken balls for him to munch at the hostel. So unhealthy. 

He was amazed at how fast I settled packing up his things. I took that as 'Thank you, you magical sister.' 

On that August 12, we safely arrived at Kolej Matrikulasi Melaka. Mak waved the warmest goodbye and off we went back to Klang. 

"Orang balik dari cuti raya bawak balik ketupat, rendang, kuih raya. Kita bawak french fries!" he joked.

But he didn't even had a single bite of those french fries because of stomachache. Claims that stomachache was since Raya. 

"Aku bagi kawan aku lah. Habis dah," he said.
"Kawan tak ada common sense. At least tinggalkanlah sedikit," I thought.

So I let myself imagine it was just my kind brother who said to them roommates, "Habiskanlah semua. Aku tak nak." 



p/s: just scribbling some small moments with big meanings.

Time Machine

I danced for the first time when I was 6 years old.

We all had our grand kindergarten ceremony hadn’t we?

Raja Nurfara Diba was my dancing partner.

Always remember her cheerful smile from rehearsals to performance.

What energy she possessed on that stage. So light and sincere.

Me? Apathetic look. Konon fokus.

I remember wearing make up for the first time, by Mak’s own hands.

Just for that single toddler occasion.

And I remember what it feels like to sleep. 

Convergence

Oral examination or maybe the whole clinical year left huge impact on me. Two papers passed. I have not given my 100% this far. 

Simple question, “Before that, do you know what is esotropia?”

I did not succeed to double read the last chapters. All came out blank. I didn’t dare to use whatever left in subconscious mind. All I know was that I didn’t double read that chapter. Hesitantly,

“…divergent squint…”

That nasty word, ‘divergent’. Such a humiliation to Ophthalmology and lecturers who taught us. To think again, I’ve memorized this too many times not to get confused.

eSotropia and eXotropia.

‘S’ comes before ‘X’. Hence, 'convergent before divergent' was how I remembered it.

Seriously, I deserved “Are you dumb?”  but they were so patient with student like me. There are more stupid answers but I am too embarrassed to share. I believe other classmates got better oral exam marks and moments than me.

I AM AN INSULT TO MEDICINE.

p/s: Lepas tu merayau-rayau kat member yang belum masuk exam sebab nak tahan nangis. Dahlah an insult, an annoyance pulak. Aduh.

Red Moon

It's dark and not Twilight: New Moon. 

Red Moon

Tonight that I have lost

A fight within myself

So intensely internalized

I think I have gone mad

I plea you, darling

Tie me all up

Some say fear locks us down

Hope sets us free

Just put me into captivity

I’d love that

At least spare some time

I had to keep the monster a little while

I could stand a little bit more

I have some duties on my back

Stay where you are

It is just this disease

It is killing me

No blood shall drop on the floor

No flesh shall be left wasted

I am but living corpse

But please my dear

Do not be such a sober

As long as I won't hurt others.

Maya Dealove, Wednesday, 29/5/2013 3:01 AM

If you noticed familiar lines, I intentionally did that. This poem is not so original. Just random words and how insane an insomniac girl can get. 

p/s: Pathetically sadistic and evil. Yikes.

Mother's Lipstick

This is funny. A friend enquired about ‘when do I eat in-between-meals (because she said I seem rarely to eat other than main meals)', ‘which feature I fancy in a guy’, ‘do I have a hobby’, etc.

In short, “What are my other interests?”

Once I think I’m cool. The mysterious kind of ‘cool’. On second thought, 

“What am I?”

To assure that I am not a heartless creature, a freak, I must state that I just try to be careful, not to flatter too much any comforting, sweet and pleasant things.

Like when I saw Barbie dolls back in my childhood, take few minutes admiring, and then borrowing it for a while. Later,

“That doll will be outdated anyways. I can imagine it being a lonely ugly plastic one day. Not worth it.”

“There you go, I’m satisfied with this boring, smiling doll.” in my head, as I returned the fallacious projection of womanhood.

I rather draw, fantasize, pester my little brother or break some laws than asking for a doll.

I usually admonish myself from certain adornment. Or maybe, I already have my own obsession that I find other things are insignificant.

Plus, I get bored easily that I can’t stick to one subject for sparkles. Thus, the blue blouse paired with clumsy red skirt on Wednesday. Skirt malfunction totally broke my boredom. One or two female classmates  called out, 

“What’s with the combination?”

I really wanted to say,

“It’s a mundane Wednesday. Also, this is my mother’s vintage.”

p/s: vintage lah sangat!

Hor, Not Har

Definition of 'freedom' by the Black Theama. 

These guys reminded me of the friendly and honest people of Aswan, especially the Nubian community there.

You should try go to Aswan, you know. It's a quieter place, none like Cairo. 

Debt and Security

Rasa insecure seorang perempuan memuncak.

Nak berjaulah Luxor-Aswan ni, tapi hati tak tenang. Hampir sahaja takat luar kewarasan. Ikutkan hati mahu ditangguh. Sudah! Kalau ditangguh, bakal ditangguh lagi.
Jam menunjukkan hampir 5 petang. Lebih kurang pukul 5.30 petang nanti hari mula gelap. 

“Harap-harap sempat,” sambil menyeterika jubah dan padanan tudung.

Lagipun terlalu lama 'beta' bergelumang dengan tempat peraduan, wifi dan lemak pipi. Eloklah berjalan keluar sebentar.

Alang-alang, beli sedikit barang bekalan bermusafir dan sedikit brang dapur. LE 20 semuanya.

Serta-merta aku tunjukkan sesuatu yang tak pernah aku simpan rapi di rumah. Malu kot keluarkan sampah pembungkus dari dalam beg tangan. Lantaklah, dari rumah tadi, plastik kerepek kentang tu siap aku kepilkan bersama resit bertarikh 29 Disember 2012.

“Hari tu aku beli dua potato chips ni, tapi belum bayar.”

Akanku tamatkan permainan petang ni jua.

“Resit tak masukkan harga item-item ni. Berapa ya harganya?”

Lepas tengok bukti pembelian tadi, dia jawab “LE 5.”

Dipendekkan cerita, kata juruwang aku amanah. Siap cakap-cakap dgn orang sebelah, sekali dengan makcik pelanggan lagi. Respon positif atau negatif, aku tetap malu.

Ah, tak ada yang ajaibnya perbuatan aku. Modal sembang-sembang petang barangkali. Tidak memasal jadi benda menarik memecah kebosanan penjaga kedai runcit itu.

Aku bayangkan diriku dalam watak juruwang warga Mesir tersebut. Naluri penyiasatan mengatakan, boleh sahaja aku buat-buat bayar dua bungkus kerepek kentang padahal ada lebih daripada 5 item lain aku ambil tak bayar. Pada masa akan datang, dengan good impression yang berjaya dikekalkan, mudahlah aku mencuri di kemudian hari dengan riang gilang gemilang.

Zaman sekarang, bersangka baik ini tak semudah ditutur. Tapi alhamdulillah,

“LE 5 je pun.” katanya. Ikut terjemahan lembam aku lah.

Kalaulah bahasa Arab aku tahap tinggi lagi, hendak saja aku cakap,“Kerepek kentang yg cashier tempoh hari lupa masukkan dalam resit ni dah menyebabkan saya mimpi berbahasa Arab buat kali kedua dek mengarang dalam otak ayat macam mana nak bagi pakcik tak curiga pada saya. Saya boleh jadi gila hanya disebabkan LE 5, lebih parah jika masuk neraka!”

Tanda seru bukan maksud marah, tapi manifestasi gundah gulana Siti Paranoid.

You see, sometimes it’s the insecurity which moves girls forward, even in the late evening where it’s near Maghrib adhan. Haha tak ada kaitan langsung.

"I don't remember any pumpkins," Mat Jenin Says

"Guys who don't focus on the work in front of them, don't have the right to talk about their dreams."
[Spoken by the character, Kuwabara Atsushi in Bambino, a Japanese drama series.]

These words answered one of my questions about big dream management, i.e. to push the wall of reality but still aim to reach for stars above. Or let us put it the other way, dream as big as you want, but remember, the present hour needs you too. 

One of methods I profoundly agree to avoid being a Mat Jenin.

The line refreshed my first so-called dream for Medicine alive. It was technically made into a promise back then, witnessed by three officers and three other applicants during JPA Scholarship interview 5 years ago. 

2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, late January 2013. Almost 5 years now.

I miss that Psychiatry-Psychology passion. As for the time being, let's just hope M will be more hardworking, right? 




p/s: cabaran lembaran Forensik dan Toksikologi. Tiga helai kemudian terdodoi lena. 

Safe Player

Tomorrow, at 1 pm, I'll be sitting for an OSPE (Objective Structured Practical Examination), better known as 'Practical Exam' among us, for the subject, 'Community Medicine'. 

I have something to tell you. Practically,

I am a risk taker.

It was this whole MedTeam interview thing. One interviewer asked me to pick just one name I would prefer to call myself.

"I don't think I can describe myself any better than people around me. In most risky occasions, my friends often see me as a calm person. Even if you're taking risk, you're in ought to do it the right way." I said.  

Yes. A brief example; If you like to skip class , do it systematically WITH good strategies and patterns. The lesser friends to join you, the lesser burden. (Read: skipping class is totally uncool, dude.)

or

A bizarre example; if you want to be an exam-oriented college chap, go through past years exam questions analysis. Read your professors' minds. Wait, there's more. Unsatisfied with the present the questions trend? 

Manipulate your Head of Department decision makings. Get into his mind. Or what if, instead of studying for exams sake, make it no more exams. Once you reach the Head of Department's mind, you know what you have to do. Wink! 

Amoi 1: Are you by any chance, delusional?
M: Yes.

I tried to justify the inappropriateness to stick to only one name . 

"We have both sides inside us...," me making my answers longer. Possibly made my listeners bored. 

My adrenaline engorged like crazy. But he kept provoking me. 

"A risk taker, or safe player?"

He did well and somehow helped me knowing my own self.  I felt so unpleasant, so unfamiliar to be called, 'safe-player.' But I still wanted to try rationalize that there is no such thing as a 'safe-player'. 

Amoi 2: Delusional, obsessive poor little girl... 

Anyone taking safe choices has to bear different consequences too. 

"So what's the differences? The safe players are taking chances too, by picking the so-called safest option. Hazards could be anywhere. In your closet, lavish winter coats, extra cheese pizzas and your warm, cute little bedroom. You know you can't really trust your seat belts anymore, don't you? The question is, who decides 'safety'? None!" I insisted in my little mind. 

To end up the beating question, 

"Risk taker." 

Dengan nada pasrah. Haha.

p/s: I love all the interviewers! Thanks especially to 'him' for  spicing up our 'conversation', such an interactive way to interview. My apology for being so shakily unorganized in speech that day.